Thanks for your help and I am signing off

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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby JustGettingBy » Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:57 pm

cmfray wrote:Wow - I was not expecting this JGB. How does your wife and family feel about your decision? Are you staying with your wife?

I have reached a place with my wife that I can live with. She has not changed in the least. I have just come to accept she won't ever love me like I would like her to, but I have decided that divorce has a small chance of moving on to a better match and we get along day to day ok - as long as my needs are not pressed for.

She doesn't know the extent of my disbelief but I will be talking about it with her really soon. I am first compiling things others have said that will help her once I do talk with her.

Several of my kids have come out to me the last few months that they don't believe either, but they don't want to tell their mom.
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby JustGettingBy » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:03 pm

beachdreamer wrote:Sorry to see you go. I can related to your posts, they sound a lot like my own feelings years ago.

I would think it would be easier to justify leaving your wife than leaving the church. Or did they come together? I can see how the feelings you have could lead you to lose hope and faith in the church. I hope you will find peace where ever you go.

Well I prayed my heart out for decades for same way to be happy in my marriage but after more than 25 years I couldn't even pray. It just hurt too bad. That started me questioning why I got zilch from my prayers.

Interesting you say it would be easier to give up on a marriage than a faith. I am not sure I agree or at least not for me at this time. It seems way easier to just believe in a God that loves everyone and I need to just focus on loving and helping others
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby greywolfe13 » Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:04 am

About a half an hour ago my wife mentioned to me her brother saying he was having some doubts a while back and some of it had to do with his wife. My wife ask him if he had to choose his wife or the Church, which would it be. He said his wife would win. She told him he just answered his own question. In his case it may be that focusing on his wife may make the feelings toward the Church improve, or it may make it seem non-important as things with his wife work out better.

We each have to make our own choice and I think it will be a sad day for many at judgement when they say they stayed because the neighbors would have made fun of them, or they were worried about the response from family members if they left. If a person feels so strongly on their own about the Church they would give up family then I can honor that choice. If someone else says they feel something about the family is more important, then I can honor that choice. It is not my place to judge, or maybe even encourage one choice or the other, but to help if I can and wish a person the best when I'm not in a position to help. I really understand how someone can love another enough to want to be with them even if they don't get everything they were expecting from that relationship. I really hope you find a way to make you both happy.

If you can make things happy for both of you and still fit in the LDS culture, even if you don't attend meetings regularly, then I'll bet you could be of help to others here. It might be an encouraging word when someone is discouraged like you have been at times, it may be you and your wife find a way to make things work that can be shared. I know the pressure from the community can sometimes cloud our perspective so taking time away helps make things clear. Again, whether you stay or go, from the Church or from the forum, I hope the rest of your life is happy.
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby cmfray » Mon Aug 29, 2016 10:17 am

Just because you are leaving the church does not mean you also have to leave this forum. You have a kind heart and a wise head and have a lot you can contribute here.

Because I have also struggled for many years with questions and doubts concerning the church, I think I have an idea of some of the turmoil and anguish you went through to make your decision to leave the church. I have chosen to remain a member and am at peace with that decision. However I understand your choice and respect it. I am glad you have decided not to be an angry and bitter former member. Anger and bitterness does no one any good - especially for the one who carries those negative emotions around all the time. Love and service are much better companions. I think you have made a wise decision in choosing to focus on those things instead.

I am really sorry that things did not improve with your wife the way you had hoped they would. You did everything you could to motivate her - but in the end she made the choice to not even try to make changes. She does not realize that it is her loss too. It sounds like you have accepted her the way she is and have decided there is still more good staying with her then there is in leaving the marriage. I really hope you find the happiness, love, and peace you deserve in your life and in your marriage.

I wish you well and hope you will reconsider leaving the forum. This forum needs your hard earned wisdom and perspective. Consider it one of your service projects. Take care JGB!
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby Deusdictum » Tue Aug 30, 2016 5:13 am

Idk... So much going on in this thread...

1) Church leaders have repeatedly demonstrated that family is very important and in some cases more important than actively living the Gospel. I taught someone on my mission and she was baptized, but the first thing the HG told her was to work on her marriage and because of her husband's thoughts on the matter, that meant not being active. My grandfather remarried after my grandma passed away, but his activity in the church was causing her Catholic heart to stress out and it was causing issues, so he went inactive until she died, then he was active again. This is not to say that family always overrides participation in the Gospel, but that we can't judge another because we don't know what the Spirit has told them.

2) I wonder if this board just has a higher population of people who have struggled with their beliefs due to chance, due to the subject matter and how that interacts with the type of people who would actively post on these topics, or if episodes of doubt are as common as they seem to be among the posters on this board.

3) I'd be interested to know how JGB's wife reacts to his confession of disbelief. If she has sexual hang ups, I would think it would correlate with less tolerance for a spouse that leaves the church. It seemingly gives her an out, if nothing else.

4) It still boggles my mind how a wife can expect their husband to attend to her needs for emotional connection and romance, but somehow doesn't see an obligation to assume some responsibility for romancing her husband, not in the way she likes nor in the way he would prefer (typically, sex). It's one thing to be oblivious to it, but after a proper sit down and ignorance can no longer be claimed, wth?

5) Unanswered prayers suck. Everything is on the Lord's timetable and sometimes entirely reliant on others making better choices with their free agency. The same answer to the question about if God is good, why is there evil in the world?


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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby be64 » Tue Aug 30, 2016 10:22 am

If your relationship with your wife isn't going to change then what is the advantage of leaving the church? How does leaving the church make you happier? Or does leaving the church then allow you to have sexual relations outside of marriage that will satisfy your sexual needs?
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby Deusdictum » Tue Aug 30, 2016 6:23 pm

be64 wrote:If your relationship with your wife isn't going to change then what is the advantage of leaving the church? How does leaving the church make you happier? Or does leaving the church then allow you to have sexual relations outside of marriage that will satisfy your sexual needs?
I didn't totally understand that either. Best I could figure out, he believed that if he did all the right gospel-suggested activities that things would improve and they didn't improve. Therefore, the church must not be true. But that may be 75% inference.


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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby bigdude » Tue Aug 30, 2016 7:05 pm

I think personally that there are a lot of LDS people who stay active in the church to preserve the feelings of their spouse. This is because we have promoted the doctrine in the church that you can only go to the celestial kingdom as part of a married couple. And we don't want our spouse to fear that we're going to prevent them from getting there, so we hang in there and stay superficially active despite our failing testimonies. And we stay with a spouse who doesn't want us sexually because we do love them despite the fact that our sexual feelings are not reciprocated.
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby JustGettingBy » Wed Aug 31, 2016 9:36 pm

be64 wrote:If your relationship with your wife isn't going to change then what is the advantage of leaving the church? How does leaving the church make you happier? Or does leaving the church then allow you to have sexual relations outside of marriage that will satisfy your sexual needs?

The question seems odd to me.
My moving away from full activity in the church was not motivated by my wife nor our relationship issues (other than a bit about my decades of unanswered pleadings in prayer to help our marriage). I don't think it will benefit my marriage and most likely will strain it.
I find it hard to go to church and hear over and over the same lessons that seem to me to be cherry picking quotes (some of which say something totally different if the entire quote is read). It can be hard to imagine when you are fully converted, but you all know some angry ex-Mormon. I know why they are angry. They find items that leaders have not told the exact story or the whole story and they feel betrayed. For some that is devistating.

I have ZERO desire to cheat on my wife. I am worthy of a recommend except I can't say I believe that the top leaders are what they claim to be nor do I believe the narrative of the church. I feel closer to A loving God and have a strong desire to help people that are in real need of help.
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Re: Thanks for your help and I am signing off

Postby Lovey » Fri Sep 02, 2016 4:22 pm

JGB,
Reading your post has made me incredibly sad. I remember when I first joined this site and you were here as Just Getting By...A place my hon was at when he left the farm...just getting by is seems like a place of sadness to me...not progressing or growing...just going through the motions from day to day. I do understand that you are trying to find a more emotionally sound place and taking care of yourself. I have appreciated your honesty and goodness.

Is it possible that your prayers have been answered but not in the way you expected they would? You prayed that you would be happy in your marriage. If God doesn't mess with agency, and your wife has no desire to change, has he worked with you to be able to handle and be happy with the wife you have?

I think personally that there are a lot of LDS people who stay active in the church to preserve the feelings of their spouse.

I personally believe that staying active in the church as a couple helps preserve better outcomes for our children and their children. I believe it is better for our society as a whole.
I find this article by Elder Holland on the rise of secularism thought provoking.
https://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/bound-by-loving-ties?lang=eng


I have spent time questioning my beliefs, knowing I can't know with a complete surety. I do have a hope in Eternal life- that I'll see my Dad again, that we all will continue to progress in the next life and that Christ's atonement will help make up for my many shortcomings.
I hope you will find the hope you need to sustain you and find answers to your prayers.
Take care JGB, You are loved here.
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