Which would you pick and why?

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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby MrShorty » Wed Oct 28, 2015 9:24 pm

I think it is hard to pick, mostly because they all seem so inter-related. I guess, if someone put a gun to my head and forced a choice of one, I, too, would say, "love". It would have to come with the understanding that the other three are not only outgrowths of that love, but also part of building and growing love.

How much of our discussion on this forum is regarding the relationship between love and sex. Can a sexless marriage really be filled with love over the long term? I'm not sure most marriages can.
Can a couple maintain love without spending quality time together? Dr. Harley promotes a policy of undivided attention that includes spending at least 15 hours per week meeting each others' intimate emotional needs.
How long can you truly love someone who constantly lies to you? Dr. Harley, again, promotes his "policy of radical honesty". While I'm not sure about the "radical" part, certainly it is difficult to maintain love in the face of untrustworthiness.
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby KSSunflower » Wed Oct 28, 2015 11:44 pm

I feel they are interrelated as well. I know I couldn't continue to love somebody romantically without trust. To build and maintain love, you need time. And like you said, to maintain and maybe even to intensify love, sex. Love seems to be the goal. These other things seem to be what holds it together. Love is also a motivator to do the others.
"It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover." ― Marge Piercy, “Sensuality is not a sexual invitation, it’s a depth invitation.” ― Lebo Grand http://mormonsexualdialogue.boards.net/, http://www.chatzy.com/24691190515294
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby Momgyver » Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:31 am

I say trust is the most important. I think even love would die without trust.
“Love cannot live where there is no trust.” Edith Hamilton
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby OkieDokie » Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:22 am

Not sure i have ever experienced love. Not sure if i would recognize it if i did experience it. I can recognize distrust, dishonesty, and some other aspects of a relationship. Love is foreign to me.
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby whmxn » Thu Oct 29, 2015 11:15 am

As was mentioned earlier, I think commitment is a big one missing as well. They are all interrelated but to keep love alive it takes commitment to build trust, to spend time together, to make time for sex, and to work together through the hard times. That commitment through hard times leads to growth together that makes the good times even better.
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby KSSunflower » Thu Oct 29, 2015 11:49 am

I've been thinking about what you said about commitment, whmxn. It is an important piece of the puzzle for sure. I think, for me, commitment like many of the others is motivated by my love. The less I care about something, the less committed I will be to it. On the other hand I think it's possible to remain committed even when we lack love. Often that motivation comes from our love of those outside the relationship that it might affect.
"It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover." ― Marge Piercy, “Sensuality is not a sexual invitation, it’s a depth invitation.” ― Lebo Grand http://mormonsexualdialogue.boards.net/, http://www.chatzy.com/24691190515294
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby KSSunflower » Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:06 pm

OkieDokie wrote:Not sure i have ever experienced love. Not sure if i would recognize it if i did experience it. I can recognize distrust, dishonesty, and some other aspects of a relationship. Love is foreign to me.

Understandable, okie. If I really care for a person, enjoy spending time with them, admire/respect them, want to keep them safe etc. I consider that love in a general sense. Romantically, I consider love to involve physical affection.
"It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover." ― Marge Piercy, “Sensuality is not a sexual invitation, it’s a depth invitation.” ― Lebo Grand http://mormonsexualdialogue.boards.net/, http://www.chatzy.com/24691190515294
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby JustGettingBy » Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:26 pm

Ofy53 wrote:The man/testosterone in me would say Sex..., but the wisdom in me would need to go with Love.

Ditto. Love by a wide margin. But I think I am living proof that the other items can erode away to love. So I don't see it as any 1 is the only key. If you both really love each other but constantly lie and device each other - love is going to suffer. And on the flip side, you can have great sex but if you really don't like the other person, it will get old.

It feels a bit like "do you want food or water?"
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby be64 » Thu Oct 29, 2015 10:28 pm

I would pick love. If people are in love the rest will follow.
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Re: Which would you pick and why?

Postby OkieDokie » Fri Oct 30, 2015 3:41 am

LOVE is too generic. Perhaps a bit more definition is required due to the limitations of English.

From the web

"PHILIA... which is seen as a deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family members or as a deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each other in battle.

LUDUS... describes a more playful affection found in fooling around or flirting.

PRAGMA.. is the mature love that develops over a long period of time between long-term couples and involves actively practising goodwill, commitment, compromise and understanding.

AGAPE... is a more generalised love, it's not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity.

PHILAUTIA... is self love, which isn't as selfish as it sounds. As Aristotle discovered and as any psychotherapist will tell you, in order to care for others you need to be able to care about yourself."

EROS.. Last, and probably least even though it causes the most trouble, eros is about sexual passion and desire. Unless it morphs into philia and/or pragma, eros will burn itself out."


I think i might lack Philautia .
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