What do you consider okay? Part 1

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What activities do you consider okay within an LDS marriage?

Yes, to oral sex
179
21%
No, to oral sex
2
0%
Yes, to the use of porn together
62
7%
No, to the use of porn together
109
13%
Yes, to private photos and/or videos of each other
157
18%
No, to private photos and/or videos of each other
16
2%
Yes, to solo masturbation (with spouses's consent)
130
15%
No, to solo masturbation (even with spouses's consent)
31
4%
Yes, to mutual masturbation (watching each other masturbate)
169
20%
No, to mutual masturbation (watching each other masturbate)
11
1%
 
Total votes : 866

Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby Prince of Persia » Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:03 am

zookie wrote:
zookie wrote:Yes to oral sex
No to porn
Yes to your own porn of each other (if you are into that)
Yes to mutual masturbation
No to solo masturbation


After lots of time on this board and hearing what everyone has to say about it, I've changed my opinion completely about solo masturbation. I now think it's completely okay to do, married or otherwise, as long as it doesn't become compulsive and get in the way of your real relationship with your spouse.

What do you guys think of that ha ha!

I love it that we can all take in information from different people and sources and draw our own conclusions of what works for us and our marriage and what doesn’t. The gospel and the church is a tool to guide us along our path of what we are ultimately hoping to achieve, eternal joy. I have often wondered if getting into the Celestial Kingdom has a certain minimum test score for a passing grade like passing the Bar or CPA exam. I can see myself flashing my credentials at the pearly gates and being told, We’ll that’s impressive Mr. Persia. An 83% is impressive and worthy of a job well done my good and faithful servant. However, 75% is passing so I hope the Home Teaching flunkies, once every other year temple attenders, barely married in the temple by the skin of their teeth, and those who have only read the Book of Mormon once don’t make you feel too uncomfortable here.
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby mariabronn » Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:42 am

per zookie "These are just a few of my rambling, disjointed thoughts on something I haven't really spent much time thinking about before. And as I'm reading over it, this post is clear as mud."

Zookie:

I love your rambling, disjointed thoughts , and who cares how clear the post! Keep writing and thinking and sharing!
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby HighDriveMormon » Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:38 pm

I agree 100% Prince. Isn't it interesting that even though we know the church is supposed to preach correct principles and let us govern ourselves, many members don't know what to do unless the church comes out with an official position on every subject with gray area?! These same members then do what they can to interpret whatever they can find from the church to create an official church doctrine on the subject.

I am glad that my wife and I have learned to joy in gray area, so that we can figure things out for ourselves, what works best for us, without having some general, blanket doctrine thrown on top of us. I wish the church would make both the Word of Wisdom and Piercing/Tattoo principles more principle based and less commandment "thous shalt not" based. My wife would love to get a naval piercing and second ear piercing but that is all, and also drink some wine/champagne on occasion. Oh well.
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby Quest » Sat Nov 26, 2011 5:24 pm

Zookie,

I had a similar change of heart as you about masturbation in marriage. I'm really curious to know why you personally think it's ok now. I'm trying to workout if it's ok just for the pure pleasure of it or if I should be trying to experiment and learn new stuff. Should toys be ok, not ok??? Now I'm wondering what people think is compulsive. My DH is ok if I do it everyday because it's really upped my drive. Curious of people's thoughts on this.
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby HighDriveMormon » Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:04 pm

Quest,

I not only think it is OK, especially for women with their husbands consent, but I think it should be an encouraged practice for women. The only limitation that I think should be placed on it, to make it conform to the principle that sexual practices in marriage are to be decided between the husband and wife to the edifying of the relationship, would be that masturbation should not be replacing sexual relations with one's spouse. If it only makes you more sexually active with your spouse, then obviously there is nothing to worry about.

Do a pro and con list. If pros include increased sex drive, learning one's sexual response, physical release which helps with stress, anticipation and excitement, makes husband healthy, etc, and the only cons are that it takes more time, time away from kids or housework, and cost a little more for lube, toys, etc., then I think your answer is clear.

Masturbate for pleasure and for experimentation. Try to find new hot spots and ways to orgasm. Try to orgasm as many times as you can. Have fun and enjoy. That is the point.

I am with your DH in that I would love my wife to MB every day, but with small kids finding the time is hard. So she does it when she can, which is once or twice a week.

In addition, if you are MBing often, there is a great chance that you will start taking better care of your body, both with grooming and with fitness. I am convinced that better looking people have more sex because they are more in tune with their body and more turned on by their own appearances (and the looks of their lover).

I also think it should be encouraged for married men to masturbate to learn how to delay ejaculation. Even though I only MB once or twice a month, I am able to last twice or three times as long as I did even a few months ago. I actually have a hard time getting off through MBing unless I am super turned on and away from my wife.

I truly believe MBing is a necessary tool in the awesome sex toolbox.
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby mariabronn » Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:10 pm

Quest wrote:Zookie,

I had a similar change of heart as you about masturbation in marriage. I'm really curious to know why you personally think it's ok now. I'm trying to workout if it's ok just for the pure pleasure of it or if I should be trying to experiment and learn new stuff. Should toys be ok, not ok??? Now I'm wondering what people think is compulsive. My DH is ok if I do it everyday because it's really upped my drive. Curious of people's thoughts on this.


Here's my 2 cents, for what that's worth:

What was your personal change of heart, Quest? Do you now feel your masturbation is OK, acceptable and allowed? Regarding the 'it's ok now' issue, it's really, in general all about timing, sort of. Consider intercourse. Before marriage, in our way of thinking, it's not OK, but after that marriage ceremony, it's not only OK but highly encouraged! With masturbation though, it's not an event or action or behavior constrained or related directly to marriage, as intercourse is.

When you ask if masturbation is OK for the pure pleasure of it, or whether it's to be for learning new ways to pleasure, that's like asking about the price on the menu at a restaurant where the prices aren't listed. Best not to order from that menu if price is even an issue. If you choose to masturbate, then do it, enjoy it, relish the pleasure and don't ask or worry, just enjoy it. Otherwise, it's like you are bringing a panel of stern judges into the room to watch you masturbate. That just kills the mood and necessarily, the pleasure. It's a private matter. Again, same with toys. If you wish to try a toy, a vibe or dildo or butterly, then try one or many and see which sends you to the moon and back! But for heaven's sake, do not ask, just enjoy.

I can't speak to the compulsive behavior question. I know I am very much OK with my wife masturbating whenever she feels the mood or desire for that pleasure, whether it's with me or alone, thinking about me, or about someone else! I am happy and pleased when she is pleasured.
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby mariabronn » Sun Nov 27, 2011 1:59 am

HighDriveMormon wrote:Quest,

I not only think it is OK, especially for women with their husbands consent, but I think it should be an encouraged practice for women. The only limitation that I think should be placed on it, to make it conform to the principle that sexual practices in marriage are to be decided between the husband and wife to the edifying of the relationship, would be that masturbation should not be replacing sexual relations with one's spouse. If it only makes you more sexually active with your spouse, then obviously there is nothing to worry about.

Do a pro and con list. If pros include increased sex drive, learning one's sexual response, physical release which helps with stress, anticipation and excitement, makes husband healthy, etc, and the only cons are that it takes more time, time away from kids or housework, and cost a little more for lube, toys, etc., then I think your answer is clear.

Masturbate for pleasure and for experimentation. Try to find new hot spots and ways to orgasm. Try to orgasm as many times as you can. Have fun and enjoy. That is the point.

I am with your DH in that I would love my wife to MB every day, but with small kids finding the time is hard. So she does it when she can, which is once or twice a week.

In addition, if you are MBing often, there is a great chance that you will start taking better care of your body, both with grooming and with fitness. I am convinced that better looking people have more sex because they are more in tune with their body and more turned on by their own appearances (and the looks of their lover).

I also think it should be encouraged for married men to masturbate to learn how to delay ejaculation. Even though I only MB once or twice a month, I am able to last twice or three times as long as I did even a few months ago. I actually have a hard time getting off through MBing unless I am super turned on and away from my wife.

I truly believe MBing is a necessary tool in the awesome sex toolbox.


HDM, YOU think an awful lot like I think! You stated that all so well!

I know this will NEVER happen, but I firmly believe many relationship and sexual issues in marriages, as well as assaults against and confusion in women would vanish, if not only the women but the girls were given information, instruction, etc., about masturbation. They could then grow up aware, of their own sexual response, and not have to wait until they are 50 or beyond to discover all the fun they've been missing.
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby zookie » Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:25 pm

sanchiro wrote:per zookie "These are just a few of my rambling, disjointed thoughts on something I haven't really spent much time thinking about before. And as I'm reading over it, this post is clear as mud."

Zookie:

I love your rambling, disjointed thoughts , and who cares how clear the post! Keep writing and thinking and sharing!


Thank you sanchiro!
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby zookie » Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:52 pm

Quest wrote:Zookie,

I had a similar change of heart as you about masturbation in marriage. I'm really curious to know why you personally think it's ok now. I'm trying to workout if it's ok just for the pure pleasure of it or if I should be trying to experiment and learn new stuff. Should toys be ok, not ok??? Now I'm wondering what people think is compulsive. My DH is ok if I do it everyday because it's really upped my drive. Curious of people's thoughts on this.


I used to think it was fine and could never understand what the big deal was. I remember my dad telling me that my brother had had a problem with masturbation on his mission or something, and I remember my reaction being, "Oh, is that all? So what??" But at the time I was not exactly living the gospel. So when I came back to the church I just wanted to do everything right and follow the prophets. I do have a mind of my own and reasoned out most every gospel principle, but with that one I just decided I'd better listen to my leaders. Plus my dad is really outspoken about it. He always says he agrees with just about everything Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family) says, but then he always tacks on: except masturbation. Plus I didn't have any desire to do it. Still, I couldn't help but feel (strongly) that it was justified under certain conditions.

Then I found this forum. I read the heartbreaking stories from some of these guys who, as youth, felt like the most evil sinners for masturbating. I did a post on my blog about it, and women wrote me and told me they did it all the time and it was great for their sex lives and that it increased their sex drives. I listened to what people had to say on the subject. Not just their personal opinions, but facts to back it up, such as there is no mention of masturbation in the handbook, etc.

So that's the short answer.

Now, if I'm going to say masturbation is okay, then I'm going to say it's okay for pure pleasure as well as for learning your body. And I'm going to say toys are absolutely okay. I already think they're okay with your spouse, so why not alone.

When I think of someone with a compulsion, I think of someone who cannot control him or herself, and the behavior is negatively affecting your life. So if you can't control it, you've got a problem. That could be said for lots of things people do. Eating, computer time, exercising, video games, to name a few.

Is that how it was for you, too? Or did you change your mind for some other reason?
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Re: What do you consider okay? Part 1

Postby Quest » Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:37 pm

Thanks Zookie for replying! That's really about the same mindset I had. I kind of just accepted it was something I wasn't supposed to do and never questioned it even though it didn't seem all that serious to me. Then I heard experiences from other women saying it helped their sex lives so DH and I discussed it and we felt ok trying it again. We both did it as teenagers but thought we were awful for doing it. The first time DH and I tried it in our marriage was when we were apart for work and then it grew from there. We never use it as a substitute for sex together. I kind of just gradually started getting more comfortable with it and now it's just part of my daily routine. I see great results from it so I dont feel guilty but I feel like an exception since I don't hear other women say they do it that routinely. I also hear other women say they dont think it's wrong in anyway but then they don't do it themselves. Has any other woman here gone through a period in their marriage where they did it pretty consistently and saw it as a good thing for their sex life? I know Lisa said she thinks it's fine to do and now Zookie does to. Does that just mean for certain occasions like when you or DH is traveling or are you all ok with it anytime? Is there an average frequency for how often you all masturbate or is it just hit and miss??
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